9. You limit your self-confidence when you are impatient with the process
When I was desperate for my life to change I wanted everything that was wrong with me to magically disappear overnight. Eventually for my own piece of mind I had to accept that some things were going to take longer to work through and learn how to manage than others.
Little things like being able to speak up in a meeting I managed to work through in weeks.
Other things like sabotaging my success took a lot longer and I discovered different ways I sabotaged my life. Every time I thought I had dealt with it I would find another way.
It was like I peeled back a new layer of myself with each find but there was so much to do.
When I talk to people at events I usually get someone who will say to me “I tried for a while but it didn’t work” and that is their reason or justification for giving up.
Or they may say “shouldn’t it be gone by now?” as if somehow we magically get rid of what we believe is wrong with us.
The truth is for the most part we learn to manage it or work through it – but waiting to remove it will require a long wait.
Let’s have a reality check here shall we.
When you spend 10, 15, 30 years thinking and behaving a certain way, your way of being does not magically shift overnight. Now whilst I am an optimist and I believe that anything is possible, even I have a limit on this one!!!!
Changing your mindset takes time, it takes dedication, discipline and patience. Taking yourself from negative thinking to self confidence is a journey. All learning goes through stages called the “Conscious Competence Learning Model!” Here are the stages:
1. Unconscious Incompetence – you are a 2 year old child and you cannot tie your shoe laces, but you don’t know that you cannot tie your shoe laces and it is not important to you.
2. Unconscious Competence – Now you are 5 years old, and you watch your dad and older brother tie their shoe laces and you realise that there is something to this shoe lace thing. Now you want to learn how to tie yours!
3. Conscious Incompetence – Now you are 6 and you have been practising how to tie your shoe laces and you can do it but you still need to think real hard about it. It doesn’t come naturally all the time.
4. Conscious Competence – You are now 10 years old and you tie your shoe laces without thinking about it and get on with your day.
The question here is “What action(s) am I ready to take to ensure I effortlessly move through these stages with every new learning experience?”
When you decide to build your self confidence you will go through the same stages. How quickly you move through them will depend on your willingness to learn.
If you read a book a year chances are it will take you a long time. If you read a book a month, listen to audios, attend seminars and take action to implement what you learn chances are you will move through them very quickly.
You may spend years between conscious incompetence and conscious competence – between having to think about what you need to do and being able to do it easily without any conscious thought. Again, the key here is to be patient with yourself.
The switch from one to the other will happen, you may not even be aware of when it does but with patience it will take place.
You Manage You Don’t Always Remove
When I first started building my self confidence I wanted to fix myself. I was hoping that being shy would disappear and I would never suffer from it again.
The truth is with many of our internal limits we learn to work through them and/or manage them but we don’t always remove them – although overtime we can. I can truly say that being shy isn’t something that bothers me anymore but it took 20 years for that to happen.
When it comes to limiting myself through negative thinking if I allowed it to it can still happen. The difference is I refuse to allow it or even entertain it. Should a negative thought enter my head I know what to do to immediately remove it.
I remove the thought but I may not remove my mind’s need to go to the negative at times.
When you build your self confidence you do learn the tools to help you “feel the fear and do it anyway” to quote the title of a great book (that everyone should read!) and it is important that you accept that the same issue may always raise its ugly head from time to time.
Every time it does there is something new you will learn about yourself if you are open to doing that.
So if you set yourself a goal and hear yourself say “it is not going to work” take a look at whether you have planned enough. Are you in touch with the right people?
Have you done everything you could possibly do to ensure this “will work!” – your negative thoughts may be trying to protect you from things going wrong so take a look at what else you need to do to make yourself believe that it will work.
Decide that your feelings of something not working are in fact signals that there may be more that you can do.
See your old ways of being as a signal to tell you that something may need to change, or you may have missed something out.
Usually, when people are upset, it is because there is a way they want things to be.
If you are upset, use that as a signal that’s telling you there is a way you want something done, or there is something you need to say. Begin to use these emotional signals to your advantage, create a different perspective for yourself.
If you find that actually it is just you being stuck in your old ways, be gentle with yourself, affirm your commitment to think and behave differently, and then work towards that.
Be patient with yourself and you will be rewarded.